and
Some of the regulars...
Nigel the Orange
Nigel was plucked from obscurity by a Florida orange-picker, and after a brief stint as Third Orange on the Left in a provincial fruit bowl, he shot to stardom in the darkly erotic arthouse film Last Tango in the Fridge. More recently, he played his hero and mentor Sven the Sax's sidekick in the long-running TV series Sax in the City. Nigel's favourite joke: "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a ripe orange."
Desmond Hoo
Desmond in his own words: "I'm sorry I didn't come in to sign on yesterday. You see, I had to confront the evil Arch-Nork of Pantpoor in the K'thargorn nebula, and I couldn't return to this planet until today because it would have compromised the time-line." Desmond in his mother's words: "Doctor, I'm becoming increasingly concerned about my son's mental health." Desmond's favourite joke: "What did the Dalek say to the last of eight chefs making a huge quantity of scrambled eggs? 'Egg stir-man eight.' Well, I think it's funny."
Young Fred Crombie the Undead Zombie
Fred Crombie, the schoolboy with a dark secret: he consumes his weight in human flesh every day. In the current episode, headmaster Mr Grimes is most displeased to find dismembered corpses spelling out the words "Satan is my master" in the school gym. Will our hero be found out? Follow crafty Fred's cannibalistic capers in every issue! Fred's favourite joke: "How many psychiatrists does it take to tile a bathroom? Three, if you slice them thinly enough."
Short Fat Ugly Bald Stupid Man
Overweight, dim-witted accountant by day, overweight, dim-witted superhero by, well, by day as well. You see, his wife likes him to be back in time to watch Corrie with her. Short Fat Ugly Bald Stupid Man's favourite joke: "Batman, Superman and Spiderman walk into a bar, and Spiderman says, no, wait a minute, Batman, Superman and the Incredible Hulk walk into a bar, and, actually, it wasn't a bar, it was..."
Winston the Cuddly Christmas Pudding
Winston loves cracker jokes. Some of his favourites: "Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem"; "Why was Santa's little helper sectioned under the Mental Health Act? He was an elf-harmer"; "How did Santa's little helper pass his time in the mental hopsital? Epic quantities of elf-abuse"; "Was Santa's little helper ever released from the mental hospital? "No. After two years, he killed hims-elf".
The Cabbage Kid
No chance of institutionalisation for Johnny, a.k.a. the Cabbage Kid. Thanks to local authority cutbacks, he's home and free do as he pleases! Recently, he's been brushing up on his lolling. Johnny doesn't have a favourite joke.
Bunk Bitch Billy
Billy's doing a ten year stretch in a tough State Penitentiary. And the emphasis is on penit...ration. Look, we're nice people really. We just have a rather twisted sense of humour. Anyway, Billy's favourite joke: "TV quiz question-master: 'What do new prisoners traditionally say to their cell-mates on the first night?' Contestant: 'Gosh, that's a hard one.' TV quiz question-master: 'Correct!'"